Full Review: Wonder Woman

Oh my God! I just saw Wonder Woman!

Me too! It was shit.

Wait, what? You’re loco mang. I don’t think we saw the same movie.

The 2017 release of Wonder Woman, starring Gal Gadot and Chris Pine?

… Okay, we saw the same movie. But it was awesome! Epic fight scenes, Gal Gadot pulled off the ‘Wonder Woman’ look flawlessly, Chris Pine added the comedy, the plot was straightforward, and that final showdown was-

Extremely fucking anti-climactic. The whole movie was Wonder Woman going from scene to scene with no repercussions and murdering the enemy, Mary Sue style. She then gets to the end and murders the enemy, Mary Sue style. She’s an unflawed character, and this makes everything about her terrible.

What, you’re mad because she WINS in the end?

No, I’m mad because she doesn’t STRUGGLE in the middle. Every problem is tackled head-on and defeated easily, despite the advice of everyone around her going, “Diana, this is a bad idea- Oop, never mind, she did it. And she’s so pretty!”. Seriously, if you played a drinking game where you took a shot everytime someone stared at Wonder Woman either awestruck or commenting on her beauty, you’d die of alcohol poisoning by the second act.

Well, it’s Gal Gadot we’re talking about, here.

And? Angelina Jolie can go through a whole movie without anyone batting an eye. Hell, Scarlett Johansson wore a bright red soaking wet swimsuit in Scoop and only Hugh Jackman seemed to care. You don’t have to highlight the fact that a character is gorgeous, especially if you’re not writing a romance. Frankly, you don’t need to highlight any feature of a character. ‘Show, don’t tell’ as they say.

Oh, she showed a lot. The lasso, the bracers, the sword, the acrobatics, she did it all.

Yeah, that I can’t fault her for. The action scenes are pretty damn good. There were even a couple times where not-WW was shoehorned into an action combo or two, regardless of how worthless they were in a conflict. Like that springboard thing.

That was awesome-

And useless. The movie established how high and far Diana could jump. All she had to do was just run up the tower. Or jump into the side. It’s a sniper nest, there’s multiple ways a bulletproof Demi-God can solve that problem alone.

Of course she can! She’s Wonder Woman! So how is she supposed to struggle, anyway?

Theologically. It’s the same struggle that every overpowered hero faces. Superman struggles with killing people for a greater good (when he’s written well). Shazam struggles with learning his role as a hero. The Hulk struggles with his rage. Tony Stark struggles with his hubris. Every last one of these people hasn’t encountered a fight that they can’t finish, but they have trouble with the how and the why. Not Miss Wondrous over there. She fights to defeat evil and completes her mission flawlessly, swiftly, and without any moral quandaries.

What about when she killed the wrong bad guy? That was a mental hang-up.

Oh, you mean the scene where she thinks bad guy #1 is disguised as bad guy #2, so she kills bad guy #2 and then two minutes after realizing she was wrong, bad guy #1 just shows up for her to kill? Yeah, that’s like trying to arrest a child molester only to find out that you only arrested a regular rapist, and then the child molester just shows up handcuffed and jumps into your squad car. So tragic.

You’re just hating.

Yeah, hating shit plots headlining shit characterizations. Honestly, nailing Wonder Woman’s character without messing up is a tough needle to thread, and DC isn’t even that good at nailing their male characters. Maybe they should’ve tried an easier premier female superhero, like Power Girl. Or Harley Quinn. Or Jubilee.

Jubilee’s Marvel.

Eh, I doubt Marvel would notice she’s missing. It’s fucking Jubilee.

True. Was there anything you liked? Besides the fight scenes.

They actually had a few good jokes, and despite the fact that it didn’t pan out well, the Gadot-Pine dynamic worked well for most of the movie. And I guess Chris Pine gave something for the ladies to gawk at while the guys kept hoping that the camera would prove if Wonder Woman goes commando under that skirt.


Huh, what? I didn’t say anything. But- no, there wasn’t much outside of the action and comedy bits that I saw as redeeming.

Diana’s origin was pretty cool.

Seeing Themyscira is, but everything else about the place raises questions. Why would no one teach their super weapon how to fight? Why do they not update to keep pace with the outside world? How did no one come across Themyscira earlier? Why is a fake weapon kept in an expensive tower?

Okay, what about DC’s first female superhero movie?

There was Catwoman. I mean, it sucked, but it did exist. I know the world tries to forget Halle Berry, but she took that Razzy in stride. Also, Wonder Woman’s entire backstory is like, the shittiest version of strawhat feminism.

It’s a story about empowering women.

It’s a story about women being like, 100% better in every facet. “We’re women, and in the land of women, we live in peace, harmony, and physical perfection. Then that guy came and fucked everything up. So we separated ourselves from dirty, dirty men, and made the best anti-man weapon possible: a woman. And then, when man came to our land because they had virtually destroyed their own (so stupid of them), we sent our superpowered woman to right all their wrongs and teach them the way of perfect womanhood. Because all these men needed to stop a war is a vagina and love.” I’ve read misandry fan-fiction with more subtle tones.

You read misandry fan-fiction?

Don’t change the subject. Feminism is believing that gender doesn’t make you second-class. This entire movie flips the typical trope on its head, but that doesn’t make it better.




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